Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
