Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
