Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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