his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
