if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
