i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
