You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
