Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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