well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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