She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i will never coherently bang her
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
