@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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