eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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