i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
