Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
