i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
