I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
