I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
