i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
