So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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