I cannot find my penis.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
