How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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