dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
