Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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