somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
