in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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