This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Is Oprah even human
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
