well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
