Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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