All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
