OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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