where am i from again
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
