I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
