Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
