Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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