I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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