seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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