i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
