Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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