The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
