Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
