My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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