I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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