Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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