i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
