I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
