I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
