My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
