they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
