So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
