maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
