Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
