apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
