I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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