I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm passing your future prison.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
